7-step program for making your dreams real

courtesy of michelle and dean at the wild spring inn where we stayed on 9/10/10 in port orford, oregon: =)

all in all it's just another brick in the wall...

                                next tuesday, october 5th. madison square garden. me and heather. AWESOME!!

i do...have weddings on the brain

thinking about wedding stuff again now that matt's working and i hope to be very soon. the current flavor of the month is our previous idea of a backyard wedding in october, though we need to have some family discussions first. ideally then, we'll be able to afford the fancypants honeymoon we dream of. here are a few pics of some looks i'm thinking of. nothing set, just to give you an idea. i seriously can't wait to start planning. i don't want big by any means but i'm so looking forward to the fun that awaits!

fit & flare ivory dress (pic shows white), fairly simple, some lace and some rouching, with a fab black lace sash

red peep toe pumps =) maybe purple.

def a flower head piece/pin. possibly a mantilla veil for the ceremony.

revelations

i've done it. i'm conquering the crisis and saying adios to the funk i've been in. i've gotten out of this west coast trip exactly what i wanted- peace, clarity, direction, contentment. mission accomplished!

i'm not sure how to begin to describe the transformation i've undergone in these past three and a half weeks other than to say it was drastic, sudden, and took me in a direction i did not expect. for the first time in a very long time, i feel hopeful and positive about the future. the cards have begun falling into place, very much to my liking i might add.

the biggest culprit and worst part of the depression and anxiety i've been dealing with has been my stagnancy. inactivity is the damn devil. in running around the west coast, i've realized some elementary things about myself that have led me to this new attitude; things i've known all along but for some unknown reason, really struck a cord deep inside this time and initiated my aha! moment:

- first and most important- i love home and my family is the most important thing. i've known all home is  where i belong and, now that i've decided not to leave, i can't believe i spent so long thinking otherwise.

- i'm a simple girl. i don't need fancy to feel accomplished and i don't need to conquer anything but myself. all i need is a select few special people, friday night fires and sunday dinners. and an occasional trip, whether a weekend in new england or a month in europe =)

- i don't have a dream job. i know what i like and dislike, and i know what i'm good at. no need to strive for some amazing career accomplishment, because, quite frankly, i have no such desire.

- location is irrelevant. attitude is everything. problems will follow me wherever i roam so my time will be better used seeking happiness in the little things and fixing what's wrong inside instead of fleeing the scene. as long as i can get a cute apartment with my man, have dinner with family, pay my bills, and go away every now and then, it doesn't matter at all where i do said things.

- there are plenty of things i can do to make myself feel better at the end of the day. currently on my to-do list upon returning home: volunteer at the local animal shelters; for real start pursuing photography; learn the entire beyonce ''single ladies'' dance; finally learn acoustic guitar; and finally put together photo albums of my travels over the last five years.

- LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. and there's no time to waste feeling sorry for yourself. if i spend all my time thinking things are shitty, they probably will be. if i can see through different eyes and realize all that's good instead of what's not; focus on the great things i do have instead of those i don't; all will be just fine.

so then...i am very proud to say that i will not, and more importantly, don't want to, move away. i'm looking forward to building a life with my fiancee, near my awesome family, in the beautiful hudson valley. within one week of coming to this conclusion: matt got his job back making even more money than before, and has had some revelations of his own. and me, i've landed an interview for a job i actually want two days after i get home from my month on the road.

i guess god's sense of humor isn't so twisted after all. it's just up to us to make the best of what we've got. we will all get what's coming to us when we are good and ready to receive it. AMEN.

eat, pray, love...what's the word?

what an amazing book. blows the lost girls completely out of the water. some passages for thought...

1)  ''when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt. this is not selfishness, but obligation. you were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.''

these past few days in california (after one particular BAD day), i've sought and found happiness in the little things. sitting on the beach and reading my book. strolling through the park and noticing a marriage proposal chalked on the rocks. finding someone's seaweed-and-shells heart-shaped creation on the beach in big sur. endless free samples of clam chowder walking through the wharf. the unbelievable friendliness of the supermarket employees here. watching a production of willy wonka in the forest guild community theater in carmel. appreciating so much the approach of fall back home as the halloween decorations are starting to come out.

it really is about the little things.

i've decided i have a theme song for this trip - ''take it to the limit, one more time.'' this is like my last hoorah before it's time to return home and hit the pavement figuring my life out. in case you didn't figure, i've decided i will not be moving to cali, and i decided this while IN cali, and i think that says a lot...

2)  ''don't you know that the secret to understanding a city and its people is to learn-- what is the word of the street? every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there. if you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought. if your personal word doesn't match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there. (rome = SEX. new york city = ACHIEVE. los angeles = SUCCEED.)

i think milton's word would be FAMILIAR, or perhaps, COMFORT. maybe that's just because it's home, and home is absolutely, and should be, comfortable and familiar. newburgh's (at this point in the city's history anyway) would be VIOLENCE. here in pacific grove, calif i'd say the word is either CHARM or SATISFACTION.

i haven't the slightest clue what my personal word is. i don't think i can have only one word (HAPPINESS, maybe, that's what i'm striving for at least), but rather i think i shall choose an entire lexicon.

what's the word in your city? better yet, what's your word?

a word from gandhi

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

smart man.

going going back back to cali cali (and oregon)

here i go again. california on the brain. thinking crazy thoughts. ready to do stupid, risky things.


i'm going to stay with cori for 2 weeks to really hit the pavement and try to get a job out there. i want my cards to fall into place. so i'm doing what i can to try and make it happen. jess will be meeting me in monterey for a week then we'll head up to oregon together via magnificent highway 1. we'll stay in a super-cute cabin for a night then continue to portland for a week and a half then i'll head home after almost a month of being away. *i secretly hope jess falls in love with monterey =)

i'm looking forward to eggs benedict and rasberry-coconut pancakes. and green tea chai. the dramatic vistas of big sur. seeing my wife n hubby (i'm second wife). cori will be a hot new blonde when she picks me up - score! i just hope she's not a few rungs lower on the intelligence ladder =)