revelations

i've done it. i'm conquering the crisis and saying adios to the funk i've been in. i've gotten out of this west coast trip exactly what i wanted- peace, clarity, direction, contentment. mission accomplished!

i'm not sure how to begin to describe the transformation i've undergone in these past three and a half weeks other than to say it was drastic, sudden, and took me in a direction i did not expect. for the first time in a very long time, i feel hopeful and positive about the future. the cards have begun falling into place, very much to my liking i might add.

the biggest culprit and worst part of the depression and anxiety i've been dealing with has been my stagnancy. inactivity is the damn devil. in running around the west coast, i've realized some elementary things about myself that have led me to this new attitude; things i've known all along but for some unknown reason, really struck a cord deep inside this time and initiated my aha! moment:

- first and most important- i love home and my family is the most important thing. i've known all home is  where i belong and, now that i've decided not to leave, i can't believe i spent so long thinking otherwise.

- i'm a simple girl. i don't need fancy to feel accomplished and i don't need to conquer anything but myself. all i need is a select few special people, friday night fires and sunday dinners. and an occasional trip, whether a weekend in new england or a month in europe =)

- i don't have a dream job. i know what i like and dislike, and i know what i'm good at. no need to strive for some amazing career accomplishment, because, quite frankly, i have no such desire.

- location is irrelevant. attitude is everything. problems will follow me wherever i roam so my time will be better used seeking happiness in the little things and fixing what's wrong inside instead of fleeing the scene. as long as i can get a cute apartment with my man, have dinner with family, pay my bills, and go away every now and then, it doesn't matter at all where i do said things.

- there are plenty of things i can do to make myself feel better at the end of the day. currently on my to-do list upon returning home: volunteer at the local animal shelters; for real start pursuing photography; learn the entire beyonce ''single ladies'' dance; finally learn acoustic guitar; and finally put together photo albums of my travels over the last five years.

- LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. and there's no time to waste feeling sorry for yourself. if i spend all my time thinking things are shitty, they probably will be. if i can see through different eyes and realize all that's good instead of what's not; focus on the great things i do have instead of those i don't; all will be just fine.

so then...i am very proud to say that i will not, and more importantly, don't want to, move away. i'm looking forward to building a life with my fiancee, near my awesome family, in the beautiful hudson valley. within one week of coming to this conclusion: matt got his job back making even more money than before, and has had some revelations of his own. and me, i've landed an interview for a job i actually want two days after i get home from my month on the road.

i guess god's sense of humor isn't so twisted after all. it's just up to us to make the best of what we've got. we will all get what's coming to us when we are good and ready to receive it. AMEN.