i love dreamers.

i love being in the company of fellow dreamers. sometimes i feel these are the only people who ''get me.''

up to this point, excluding my solo trip to europe, i've been a pretty straight-laced, safe girl that's done everything the way i was supposed to. i went to college right after high school, graduated, got a 'grown-up' job, worked it for 2 yrs, then suddenly, i woke up one day and thought, ''there's got to be something more than this.'' out of nowhere i wanted to leave my job and move to california to pursue the dream. no, i didn't want to be an actress amongst the droves of wanna-bes. i just wanted to stop living so safely, take some risk, and learn to just go with the wind, instead of mapping out every detail of the standard 5 year plan. MY SOUL WAS (and still is) HUNGRY!!

life is short and the world is huge. i'm a traveler. i love seeing and learning about new places. i love novelty and things that are different. i want more than just ok. i want to feel like i conquered something. i want to go to sleep at night knowing that i tried something that scared me, that to others seems ridiculous, and succeeded. my urge to flee is on notch 11, and maybe it's just because i haven't yet started to establish things that are my own. but the fact remains, i don't know if i will ever totally let go of my california dream, and the only way to know for sure is to go.

the bottome line is i don't have a single clue about life right now. i have no idea what i want to do, i can't seem to figure out how to get to where i want to be, i just feel stuck. and stagnant. and lost. most of 2009 and 2010 have been filled with depression and anxiety. i'm just another lost girl trying to find my way...

to all you dreamers, THANK YOU! you are an inspiration and a huge motivational force that keep this dream of mine alive.

me.want.learn.

so far, i think i'm doing ok this week =) no breakdowns or anything of the sort. just some cigarettes...

i think i'm gonna have to sell a kidney to take the GRE's. 160 bucks just to take the damn test! i remember feeling so relieved when i graduated college that i no longer had to deal with tests, forms, applications, etc. unfortunately, these things are once again a necessary evil if i have any hope of going to grad school. i'm not even 100% sure that's what i want, but i'm trying to be proactive in doing my part to build a path, instead of waiting for something to fall in my lap. so i'm investigating schools in cali, slowly working on applications, filling out the fafsa, and registering for the gre's. i'm also getting myself registered with some recruiter agencies in the monterey and sf bay areas.

in the meantime, i'm putting my time and energy into two things: getting healthy and working on my blog/book club/joint travel blog projects. cori and i have now been in touch with one of the authors of the lost girls and we're gonna set up some virtual q&a sessions with her and another book club that's using TLG. it's really exciting stuff for us! aaand i've lost about 15 pounds this past month so i'm motivated to keep up with that.

so tomorrow we're going to the city for matt's bday. tuesday i'll be back in the city with mom for the kleinfeld blowout sale! (say yes to the dress, anyone?) probably my only chance in hell to score an amazing couture wedding dress, even though there are still absolutely NO wedding plans. heather's housewarming and katie's going away parties next saturday. and american idol auditions with halona on the 3rd!! i seriously need to think of what i'm gonna sing.

.......................

i just heard courtney love just say, ''i dedicated my worst record to cameron crowe and to the scientologists...that's how much i was on drugs. ouch.'' LOVE THAT WOMAN!!!!! i could do a whole post on her.

bi-coastal book club??

so cori and i are thinking of starting a book club. since we're on different coasts (for now, at least =), we'll need to utilize our blogs and/or skype should the club blossom to a membership of more than just the co-founders. our first read will be the lost girls, a memoir of travel adventures and friendship. it's only fitting since we've most definitely felt like lost girls ourselves. after that will likely be eat, pray, love since it follows along with the ''women using travel as a means of finding themselves'' theme. on that note, i'm thinking of transferring some of my journal entries from my euro-adventure for my next post. coming soon...

hola, g'day, hoi, ciao, xin chao

finally, here i am after months of mulling it over. so the gist of it is this: i need something to occupy myself to maintain my sanity. the past year has been really rough for me. i've been experiencing what we twenty-somethings refer to as the ''quarter life crisis'' and frankly, it sucks. it's full of self-doubt, indecision, a lack of confidence, and an endless supply of what-ifs. while many would (and have) laugh at the notion of a tragic, unexpected, or otherwise life-altering event occurring at the ripe old age of 25, i can assure anyone hesitant to buy stock...it is very real, and very awful.

i've made decisions and reneged on them too many times to count in this last year. it's caused me much grief, but if i've learned nothing else, i've learned i know nothing at all. what i'm working on now is trying to accept that. hopefully this blog will aid me in my journey. watch me go....


PS- RIP Captain Phil. DC is in the background as i type and i'm reminded what a presence you had. you helped make crab fishing cool =)